The Road Back

The rain has stopped and although it is still cloudy, it has allowed me to put a lot of things into perspective. Fear of failing has been my biggest motivator so much that I've managed never to experience it until last year. Even if I had failed in the past I never acknowledged it.  Living in denial, I was just acting as if it never happened. Football was the only thing that I never failed at and when I finally did it seemed unbearable to handle. With so much suppressed emotions I lost sight of all the things that made me, me. I went from living life to just surviving or better yet going through the motions. After months of  soul searching and solitude I have finally faced all my inner demons and things that made me so negative. Last year for my birthday my girlfriend had gotten me a bungee jump pass. I never used it only for the simple fact that I was scared. Last weekend nervous and all, I finally jumped,  it's an unexplainable GREAT feeling, but a feeling that has allowed me to let go of so many things I was holding on my chest, weighing me down. Instantly, as I got off, I felt different this was the first step to my recovery.

The second step was to confront myself about all the things that were making me unhappy. Third step let go! I have opened up to my family and told them things I've been holding on my chest for years. I never told them in fear of disappointing them. It's through failure and disappointment that you really learn life's lessons. Through this process it has felt like a 2000 pound anvil has been lifted of my chest. I feel good! I starting to feel like myself again. I'm not fully there yet but I'm getting close. A return back home to Montreal should truly bring me back to life.

The more I write I realize that this blog is not only about football there is more to life than football. That I finally see now, I no longer doubt if I'm ready, I've been ready to whole time. It has been the mental barriers stopping me. I see now that the only thing stopping me was me!!

The Road Back

The road back seems darker than ever with so many uncertainties about life makes it tough to focus. The lost of my significant other has hit close the chest, fate brought us together and will be the same thing breaks us apart. We have reached the fork in the road, and in order for the both of us to continue  to grow we must go at it alone. Her road leads down a different path than mine, I wish her all the best in her journey. It's a tough pill to swallow but swallow it I must. Physically, emotionally and mentally drained the show must go on. As the last week of work wraps up I will have a week to solely focus on training and recharge the battery. May god give me the strength to focus on what it important and ignore what is not. I will not question why things had to happen but trust him that it was for a reason that I cannot understand or see now. I trust him he will lead me the right way.

"For we walk by faith not by sight."

The Road Back

When I came down to Edmonton I had a plan on how the first two years we going to go.  Not one piece went according to plan! I never been a big fan of having a daily plan but adopted because of the job that I had. What I learned is that over planning is bad for the health. As this next chapter of my life begins I will not over plan again but rather outline. There are so many questions I have that are unanswered right now and no longer will I try to know the answers to all of them. This has done nothing but drive me crazy, I will live life and get the answers as they come along. What I know for certain is that I have one week left at this job and  two weeks of training at Athletes Nation before I travel to Montreal March 3rd. The focus is now is on me and what can I do to better myself more emotionally rather that physically but I am ready. The rest I will have faith in god that he leads me the right way.

Be Positive everything will be alright!

The Road Back

MARCH 12TH

The date has been set for March 12th, 2010.   It is the official day that I will be attending a combine that could  potentially get me back onto a CFL team. Although I live in Edmonton and train with some of the Eskimo players, I am no longer part of the organization. I have accepted what has transpired and have realized that it's not easy to get back.  Although it would be a great fit with the rest of my life I have to remember that it's a beautiful game, but shitty business! Rarely does an athlete get to decide where they will be playing or even if they will be playing.  I am using this opportunity to showcase my talents, that is all I am looking for. The focus now is preparing myself for this date to show teams that I am still out there. 


One thing many players including myself get wrong is their training methods. Through university and my younger days of college my primary method of training was working out at the gym. There is no getting on the field during the off-season for the simple fact that its too cold outside, and we do not have access to adequate indoor facilities. When I was first introduced to Athletes Nation I knew this was where I needed to be. Access to field turf is something that doesn't come by often, especially in the winter. So I am very fortunate that my training is already preparing me for a sports position that requires mainly running. I am in better shape than last year heading into camp and there are still a couple of months left until the season. My focus is not only to be ready for camp, but to be ready for March 12th so that I can show enough  of my skill to whoever is watching.