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The road stopped at something big, trying to put it all together I was in denial. I have to be dreaming everyday I think this did not really happen to me but it did. My plate is full my mind is racing and there is so much to do. Several things to balance I have a hard time sleeping. I ponder if its worth while even to continue to play football what I'm working on now is much bigger. Football has been the gateway to this so that's why I'm torn, maybe I can do it all... Life is much better than what it was in the summer. I thank god for guiding me threw the darkness to this point. It has been a blessing in disguise, it took me a while to see it but now I truly see it. I wont give up on football because it has shaped my life and who I am today. It is the fuel that drives me and gets me out of bed when I don't want to. Besides what's life if your not chasing something? I'm ready to play so even while I'm working on this big project I'll keep screaming PUT ME IN THE GAME COACH!

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For my supporters yall get regular updates.  Just blogging I don't edit videos just let the camera run. Salute to the troops.

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Today marks 3 seasons that I have not blessed the field! 1095 days it feels like a eternity knowing that I have only missed 2 games in my whole career dating back to little league football. A good friend of mine James told me way back when the times were rough "God never closes a door without opening a window."  I didn't understand what he meant at the time but time has proven him wise. So caught up in what had transpired with football I failed to see the blessing I was given in the meantime. The dark times that I went threw only set the stage for what is to come. To give me the strength and focus to conquer everything that awaits.  It put my faith to test! As I stated in other blogs that this was bigger than football and now I truly see it. I had visions of these dark times I went threw, but now what I see is something so special. Even though the path I'm walking now is still unknown  I believe it's in the right direction and for the right purpose. I want to thank my family and friend & fans for helping me threw these rough times. This has only set the stage for the comeback. KEEP ON'

ATHLETES NATION

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THE GAME WITHIN THE GAME

Edmonton Eskimos Sammy Okpro and his fight to win a spot on the roster

By Patrick Cassidy

For Every Kamau Peterson, Ed Hervey or Jason Tucker there are probably a thousand Sammy Okpro's. Like Peterson, Hervey and Tucker, Okpro also wore the green and gold uniform that signified membership into the Edmonton Eskimo football family. But, unlike those three more famous brothers who made long careers in Eskimo silks, Okpro's time as an Eskimo was limited to exhibition games and sideline duties void of any regular season actions and to this day his dreams to be a CFL starter remain unfulfilled. Undaunted, he continues to train, hoping for one last chance to crack the Eskimos lineup, or perhaps another CFL lineup that requires a speedy non-import defensive halfback or safety with the credentials that he possesses.

Prior to college, Okpro represented Team Canada as a football player for two years. The first year was in San Diego and the second was in Houston, under the coaching of Danny Maciocia. Prior to being Edmonton's fourth pick in the 2008 CFL Draft, he was a four-year starter and three-time All-Canadian at Concordia University in Montreal. As a youngster, he excelled in five sports: hockey, baseball, basketball, soccer and football. Everywhere he played, he was a team leader a league all-star and one of La Belle Province's top football athletes. So when he made that trek to Edmonton in 2008, Okpro had big ideas, high hopes and the confidence expected of a young man that had gained the notoriety and status in the football community that he had achieved. But what Sammy didn't realize coming to Edmonton was that he was going to be in for a very rude awakening.

In fact, he ran smack into the highly competitive dog-eat-dog world of professional sports, where players from colleges right across North America vie for what amounts to very few professional playing positions. Although he hung in for six games that first season, he was relegated to the practice roster for the remainder of the 2008 campaign at what amounted to 30 per cent of his full roster salary, which wasn't a lot to start with.

"Actually, I made the team the first year and, to be honest, I really had no business doing so. I was star-struck and ill prepared for the speed, the size, and the power and the strength of being a professional athlete. There were so many adjustments, and for the first half of the season I was doing too much thinking and not enough reacting, and in football that's deadly."

Although he felt he trained hard the off-season, he didn't fare much better in 2009, making the roster past the final cut date, only to find out next morning the team had decided they had other Canadians they preferred at the time. This time, Okpro was cut outright and, for all intents and purposes, was out of football. Unsure of what to do,, he decided to stick around Edmonton, picking up odd jobs to make ends meet, and through some hard work, connections and good showing at the CFL combine in Toronto, got invited to the 2010 Eskimos training camp, only to get cut once again, this time before the camp even got started.

In my opinion, I really didn't get a fair shot this past spring. I believe I was brought in just to provide bodies if needed, and since they didn't need any bodies, I was cut even before training camp started. It's not really fair, but that can be the hard and real world of professional sports."

Although he isn't where he wants to be in his football career, he still believes in himself and his abilities as a football player. Asked about his future, he replied "The clouds are dark right now, but it you want something great you have to be willing to persevere and do what needs to be done to succeed. You have to be willing to do what nobody else is prepared to do to get that spot. You have to be willing to sacrifice, you have to be a visionary and believe that all the hard work will one day pay off."

Making a CFL lineup requires ability, huge commitment, sacrifice, focus and a belief in one's self. These are character traits Okpro has built his reputation on, but all double-edged character traits make it hard to let the dream die. Athletes, by nature, are trained to not give up easy, to fight through adversity, and when it comes to deciding to end a career or keep pushing, those same stubborn character traits and training regimens take hold.

Okpro is now 26 years old and at a crossroads in his life. Even his always-supportive family is wavering. His father, a Nigerian-born immigrant and the man who started him in football at the age of eight, tells him that maybe it's time to hang up the cleats and look at other dreams and aspirations, But he is not there yet.

"Football is a warrior's game. It 's war on the field, and it's the intangibles you can't measure that differentiate the winners from the losers. The size of the fight in the dog is always more important that the size of the dog in the fight, and I've got that in me and I know I just haven't had the opportunity I need to rally showcase my talents to Edmonton or other CFL teams, and that's what tells me I can't quit just yet. Someone needs to give me that opportunity to demonstrate the intangibles I possess that have made me a successful football player"

Okpro was selling door-to-door for a local charity, as well as doing the odd job for a local security firm. Although these are certainly not the types of jobs that he received a college education to pursue, it's all part of his strong belief in t sacrifice and doing what he needs to do to keep the options and door open in the events the phone rings, and he gets that call to once again dawn the silks and take another shot at the CFL.

I'm committed to playing football right now, It's a life decision I made some time ago and as such I have to make the necessary sacrifices to get there. I rarely go out with buddies, no girl really wants to date me right now and the situation I've chosen doesn't allow me to pursue a career just yet. If you're not all in, you are just kidding yourself, so right now I'm all in. I'll do the dirty work until I'm successful or I decide otherwise."

Catch the full Sammy Okpro interview with Prospect Magazine at www.athletes-nation.com

KEEP ON'

Nothing has change consistent work but had a change in mind set. I have been so focused on trying to win the war I lost sight of the battles in between. With no end in sight I continue to walk down the path. No longer looking at the finish line mind set is win the day. Win enough days and eventually the war will be won. Life is good but I'm not where I want to be so I pretend like its dark that's where the motivation comes from. At least now there is a path to follow and I am no longer lost. Still in my own world  though things that were important me before no longer have value. Everything I've been through is only setting the stage for what is to come. I am stronger than ever not only physically but mentally as well. Here I stand alone just me so if your wondering what I'm doing I'm on a war path chasing the road to success and that's it.

KEEP ON'

After everything that happened I learned something about myself... Walked through hell refuse to quit even when all signs pointed to that's what I had to do. What I learned is that I cannot be broken! I don't have a breaking point. IT DOES NOT EXIST!  So everyday I keep training keep getting better the day will come I know it. In the mean time be happy about others success and enjoy my life to the fullest.

KEEP ON'

These are the times I only write when I'm down or in a bad mood... Another day down another week down another season down where I didn't touch the field. Experienced nothing but success in my 23 years in Montreal, but since moving here it's been nothing but failures not only in football but in life as well. So why did I stay here? The success I had in Montreal came with rotten soul, egotistical attitude, and bad morals. So I stayed to find myself find my meaning in life, searching for my path it felt right staying here. Though its been an agonizing road filled with pain, sadness, and tears. I feel that I am much better person here than I was in Montreal. This year was by far the worst watched my x pack her bags and leave, looking in her eyes she could give me all the excuses of why she was leaving. But it was clear as day she stop believing in me as painful as it was it was for the best.  It was all worth it when I got signed again but it was only for brief moment  as I was released without being given a shot.  Would love to have a regular life but then I wouldn't be me... I understand the path I've choose sacrifices must be made, so I walk alone morning till dark.  My fire my heart mixed with the failures, pain & sadness have shaped me into who I am today. I tried to run away from this but God wouldn't let me so I must continue as frustrating at it is. KEEP ON'

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H-LIVE

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MR. LEAK IT

PRIME FILES

Hockey

Spent last night watching a member of the nation play hockey we trained together all off-season. Even if I haven't got the success I want yet, I can go and support him and enjoy his success. I believe he is a future star and got a chance to see him before he reaches the NHL

# 10 Turner Elson

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Aug 21th, 2010

The Lost Blogs

August 15th, 2010
I know i've been away from the blog for a while. I was in a dark period of my life. Mother always said if you have nothing good to say don't say it at all!  A lost blog from that dark time when I wasn't feeling so down. I ended up having a great night and meeting some people with this paint on me it was fun. I will follow up with another blog to what happened during that period. Stay tuned...

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If you stay ready you ain't have to get ready! The only thing I can control right now is how hard I work so another week of getting faster getting stronger patiently waiting for my shot. I've been up and down mentally but still managed  to come in and get some good work done. I'm trying to get to 90 degrees with my knee bend it's really hard with this kind of weight on. It's the only way I'm going to get faster is to be able to recruit that strength at that position. The record is 500lbs here at the nation.

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Finish Fridays! Getting stronger that's what its about that what it is! Keep going in because I know I can play if I get my chance.It's a mental stress being in this position words can't even explain how frustrating it is. Thankfully I train with great people that keep me going. Athletes Nation it's a family some many future stars training I'm just happy to be apart of it. I hope one day you get to see me on the field but for  now this is all I got for you. The daily grind week in and week out. Not too sure where the weekend will take me not in great mood right now I have a lot on my mind...

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Footage from today it's on threw failing that you really learn so even if I didn't get it today I learned a lot. It's kinda like watching game film and making corrections. You can't learn it you don't see your self fail. I think my problem is technique so I will correct it and get it done on Friday when I lift again. Never give up and keep going in. Not everything is life is a success learn from the mistakes.

KEEP ON'

I'm not even on a road anymore walking right into the abyss my compass has been lost. I don't even know where I'm am anymore it's terribly frightening and scary. Easiest thing to do it turn around and give up, but I wouldn't even know how to get back if I had map. Entrenched in this journey I am in my darkest hour it's like a bad nightmare but it's going on during the day. Only when I sleep I am I at piece only to be awakened to the Hell I'm in. Alone on this journey I surely hope I can find my way out of this Forrest. The way I remain is training at THE NATION and the blog. THE NATION is where I depleted the frustration building up in me, and the blog is a mental release sort of like me talking to myself. I try to explain to people what I'm going threw truth be told no one will ever understand how much work has been put into this. I have not been given a fair shot caught up in the politics of pro sports being thrown under the bus. Maybe I'm too stubborn for my own good but I believe in myself, so I will walk into the unknown keeping the faith that I will shine one day!

KEEP ON'

Crossroads! Career on life support I know I said I would Keep On but when life catches up to you makes it terribly hard to continue. It's a constant battle daily, hourly even every minute. For the 1st time today I actually thought I about moving back to Montreal and changing the direction. The reasons I had for staying in Edmonton are not there anymore. I came to play Football I stayed because I fell in Love both have not worked out. So it leaves me standing alone doubting life! I bumped into someone yesterday I opened the door for him, he took notice of my Ferrari polo I had on and said I have two of them meaning cars. I replied I don't have any but I want one. He told me I have a heart of a Ferrari I can see it! So what's stoping you from getting it? I didn't have an answer for him.... we shook hands and he said go get it my friend! Pondering his kind words for some time what is really stoping me? I'm in the way of myself I'm not scared to fail anymore but is there such a thing as scared to succeed? My friends are hounding me to come home and it would be nice to have their company even a girlfriend. Life doesn't seem that way right now  I'm alone for a reason because I have to DO IT ALONE! I have grown so much in these 2 years so even though I am crossroads I already know what I have to do. Follow your heart you'll never be wrong!

KEEP ON'

KEEP ON'

Dear God

Why did you bring me out to Edmonton?
Why did you take me away from my friends and family?
Why did you let them do this to me?
Am I a bad person?
Why are you making me wait?
What am I doing wrong?
Why you got me out here alone?
Why am I supposed to do?
Who do I lean on?
Do you see me?
Why do I still care?
What are you doing?
Does she still think of me?
Does she still care?
What's next?
What's the plan?
Do I stay?
Or go back to Montreal?
Why must I walk threw this Hell?
Where is the Exit sign?
Why won't you let me quit?
Why must I go threw this?
Why is my phone full of numbers I don't want?
Why do I pick em up and never call?
Why don't I even call my friends?
Why do I want to go threw this alone?
Will I ever understand myself?
Why do I feel crazy?
Am I crazy or just passionate?
Do you see my talents?
Can you feel the energy?
Is the risk worth the reward?
Will you ever bless me?

Questions with no answers maybe I'll get the answers one day but for now just KEEP ON' that's all I can do.

The Lost Blogs

Written February 15th, 2010   You really find out what kind of person you are when nothing is going your way. I had every reason to pack it in and take a few days off. What I am learning that it is not my lack of commitment, desire or strength holding me back. But my lack to acknowledge of feelings I am having. Typically anytime I was feeling something I would shut myself up and tell myself to be strong and deal with it later. It much simpler to say I will deal with it later than to actually confront your problems. Something I have been doing for quite some time. I never realized how much of a toll it was taking on me until now. Since a was cut last year I have not been myself. Back then Football was the only thing that made my happy, my success through football would cover all other aspects of life I was not happy about. Without that success of Football brought more glaring light on what I was not happy about and I wasn't ready to deal with it. Suppressing these emotions for so long have not only taken a toll on my relationship but on myself as well. When I looked in the mirror I did not know who I was. Looking at so bad that even after a hard weeks of work I couldn't even enjoy a night out with my girlfriend. With nothing essentially to be mad at I couldn't even bring myself to smile. When wondering why I was not happy even though I had everything I needed I knew the problem was deep. Not addressing the problem for 2 years has left a terrible weight on my chest. It took a while for the signs to show but it has severally altered they way I was viewing life.  This is not the person I am right now which makes sense to why she has left. If I didn't know who I was how I could only imagine what I look like to her now. I wish I would have seen this coming way sooner than I did but hind sight it 20/20. I feel I have relieved a great deal of where my unhappiness what coming by coming clean with my family. Now, the next step is to learn how to enjoy life again. Everything doesn't have to be about training and discipline but rather find a happy medium somewhere. I am not far away but it will take some time but I know exactly where to start to loosen my up. Something I should have done last year. I will keep you posted. The reality is everyone has some kind of issue, it's being able to admit to them is truly the hard part. My finger pointing has stopped now its time to work at them.

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Not to lose picture of the actual story I'll keep writing loss of momentum threw the sickness I was force to start again. But what I notice that after been threw so much it doesn't take much to hit the switch. Built a threshold over the years to what I can take and with each blow it hurts less I take that energy and make it apart of me as it fuels the fire. This weekend will be very telling so I will buy my time because I am ready ! Toughest thing to do when you know you should be playing already. But God is telling me not yet so when he does say yes I'll be ready. My moods vary, I want other people to be seen which is why I blog about other things but make no mistake this is  my story. It's the whole reason the blog started so even if there are other blogs coming this is one is mine. The blog is evolving enjoy!

BOBBY PIERSON

It's my honor to introduce Bobby Pierson after suffering 8 heart attacks, pancreatic cancer, and a brain aneurysm he still lives to tell about it. As matter of fact he is doing more than living he's enjoying live with a quest to have his talents heard. This is man who told me never to give up he is truly an inspiration in my life Thank you Bobby

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Back from the dead I have been sick with flu for the last week. It was bound to happen burning the candle at both ends sky high with energy and emotion I did not leave much time for my body to rest. Fighting the negative energy I refused to stay home and be sad or depressed. Well lesson learned though it's a drag I need to stay focused and ready the phone may ring and if it's destiny calling I need to be at my best! I resume training tomorrow at a high level. I am not ranging with fire anymore I have seemed settle down. Steady and stern go get the training done. Not to high not to low a happy balance right in the middle so I don't fly off one extreme like what just happen. No one to lean on but me I gotta be strong by myself!

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Making of the McOkpro

This was filmed in May before Training Camp before I knew what events where going to unfold. I had a great time with a good friend, only thanks to him the video was even shot because my camera die after the first scene. He recorded it on his BBM thanks DENOOOOOO! 1 take and that's it this one was special so a little editing had to be done. Shout out to BIZ on the editing! Hope y'all enjoy

ROAD TRIP

Part 3
Last part I finally got up on the Wake Board great times. That's it for the this Road






Didn't have my camera on phone on me when I was the beach so we didn't shoot I only took a a few pictures here is the best one.

ROAD TRIP

Highlights from Saturday on the lake
Part 3

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ROAD TRIP

ROAD TRIP
Part 2


Burke and I try to learn how to Wake Skate it was terribly hard lol I never actually made it up. I was really demoralized by shut it down for the day after that. Did not go in the water that night!













That was it for day 1

ROAD TRIP

Footage from Friday it was a great weekend and its still not over too much film to post it all at once so will take you threw it little at a time. I never been camping or boarding on a boat, there is a 1st time for everything it was so fun. Defiantly a weekend to remember.

Introducing the ROAD TRIP SERIRES
Part 1

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It was Judgment day for a lot of people final roster cuts. Some of my friends did not make the teams they were trying out for. I feel for them because it is not a pleasant feeling, knowing something we've all worked hard for has been taken away in a blink of an eye. Similar to the business world the higher you go the fewer positions there are. Decisions are not always made on talent level but rather who you know, or who knows you. So many other logistics come into play what is your salary, age, injuries... It's a beautiful game but a shitty business, one thing I know that it is only threw failure that you grow. Try to take the positives and learn from it, for it will make you a better person in the long run. You are not alone it happens to everyone at some point in time in their career, some are just sooner than later. When one door closes another one opens so my fellow players there is nothing to hang you head about. As a matter of fact be proud of your accomplishments not many are willing to make the sacrifices to get to the top level. My hat goes off to all of you, God has a plan and story for everyone one of us. KEEP ON' wherever life may take you.

KEEP ON'

I know what a lot of you are wondering what I am on... This guy is going crazy, never seen this side of me. To be honest I haven't either, I see the world in a different light. For so long I've done everything by the book, work relationships, chasing my dream. Conformed to society expectations and norms and for what? Only for someone to tell me I can't have what I want? To wake up and say  I hate my job I don't want to go to work? To watch the girl you love pack her bags and walk out the door? Is this life? Do what's expected of you and don't get rewarded! I felt trapped in this on going circle of life brainwashed, well no more every impulse and urge that I have will be brought to life. Am I living life or is life living me?  My good friend Bobby P  near to his death bed going for open heart surgery for a third time. 8 heart attacks and he is still chasing his dream at 75. A man with many talents still unknown to the world it breaks my heart. He said he would call me this weekend I don't even know if he will make it. The last thing he told me today is that "even if he fails he is still a winner because he never gave up! LOSERS give up and I'm not that never never give up Sammy" I know he will make it because he is a fighter. What I'm getting at is I'm doing things my way and even if you don't get it now you will later. I'm not crazy just walking blind into the abyss places where few choose to go because of fear or because of people's opinions. I'm not afraid anymore because I know Victory is on the horizon and it may not even be football!

On side note great day of training no filming today THE NATION series wont have many post because we can't give away the all the secrets. No worries I have lots of  other ideas YOU ARE NOW TUNED INTO THE U!

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These videos blogs are not enough! I may be happy while I'm training but at night I'm utterly pissed off ranging in my mind, this was supposed to be my year! I was lied to made false promises that I was going be given a chance to compete for a starting job and I wasn't even invited to training camp. I'm trying to be positive but it's so hard, it's a constant battle 24hrs a day.  I'm always there to listen to my friends but who is there to listen to me? No one can really understand the mental stress. I'm at my breaking point I keep telling God I can't handle anymore of this, but he keeps putting it on my plate. I poured my heart out for this game with no return yet. Can you see the hunger? Can you see I want it? Only if they let me get on the field I would be a top player! Politics of the game... If I give up now then all of this means nothing everything I sacrificed overs the years will have been for nothing. The fire burns deep so hear my war cry NEVER DIEEEEEEEEEEEE I"M TOO STRONG, I'M TOO STUBBORN!

KEEP ON'

Live from THE NATION earlier today

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Every Sunday night Access Granted

Closing Chapter

Last segments of cleaning up the old place before I give up the keys







Not a highlight video but it had to be done reality tv at its finest lolol - U-BATT TV

AFTER HOURS

I was planning to stay home to night but it was Lee's birthday! He is a great friend of mine even though I went I out I did not have any drinks just had a great time with good people. SAM-I-AM AFTER HOURS series I apologize there is any swearing but I just cannot control everyone enjoy!

Closing Chapter

Closing the Chapter on my 1st place out here in Edmonton live there for 2 years good times and bad times wouldn't change it for the world.

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Into to THE NATION building back up the momentum can't stop won't stop! BOWWWW

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I woke up today unmotivated, uninspired I willed my way out of bed and jumped in the car. Driving to THE NATION I asked myself where do I get the energy to keep going? Where does this motivation come from? I didn't have the answer then... It was only upon getting to THE NATION mid way threw the workout I realized.

It's a mind set despite everything that's happened I still remain. I  didn't fail I NEVER FAILED! I know everything that is happening is happening just the way its supposed to. It only fuels the fire awakening the sleeping monster within, that lies in everyone one of us. It only comes out after traumatic experiences where you feel you cannot take it anymore and something has to give. So I'm sorry I have to change otherwise I will go insane staying the same. Growth is needed it's time to evolve. 


EVOLUTION

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Why would I quit now? No girl, no kids, not many friends out here, no distractions, I didn't get what I want. It would be easier to if I got my ass beat all over the field, but when you haven't even stepped on the field I don't have enough reasons to hang em up. I'm not getting my shot and it pisses me off. Slow to anger it takes so much to truly get me mad. Calm on the outside but raging on the inside. What makes me mad is that my teammates know I can play I get nothing but love from vets and young players, but still no love from the organization. When I train I'm so mad it's unreal I haven't hit this point of anger in a while, turn on lights on and ill show you what I'm about! KEEP ON'

The Lost Blogs

The Lost Blog series the missing months from Feburary - May where I was writing but chose not to post because I felt it was too personal. As these feelings pass I choose to share it now because truth be told someone is going threw this and I no longer care what others think it's from the heart so it can't be bad. I've met 5 or 6 guys out here in Edmonton going threw the same thing as we speak. It will fill in the missing gap of where my mind was at during those months.





Written February 4th, 2010

The road back seems darker than ever so many uncertainties about life makes it tough to focus.  I would rather not talk about this but it must be done. My girlfriend broke up with me! I won't

say it came as total surprise I could feel her distancing herself away from me over the past few weeks. I will try not to go into too much detail but I know she wasn't happy inside. I always told her that she has to be more selfish at times and devote more time to herself rather than other people. Giving her my honest advice I never thought it would result in her leaving me. The hardest part is waking up and coming home because we did live together and you get used to seeing someone and all of sudden they are not there.  It was love at first sight we knew we were supposed to be together, everything happened so fast maybe too fast... I admit at first I felt a little overwhelmed seeing her all the time and just wanted some time for myself, maybe its at that point that point for her now who knows. When I first met her I saw something special in her not somebody who had already made it and successful, but someone full of hopes and dreams to be somebody. We said we were going to do it together. I showed her how to believe, trust and love, and she showed me how to enjoy life. eat properly, and open up. Also, she helped me through a real low point in my life where I really all most gave up on myself. Different from most breaks up it's ending fairly decent I've put no resistance to fight despite whats really going on in my mind. We have always be honest with each other and told the truth even when neither wanted to hear it. She maintains that she still loves me but in a different way  whatever that means. Even though it hurts terribly I must let her leave and grow into that successful person I know she is. There is no guarantees she will be back, she probably wont be!

I was really looking forward to this Valentine's to be with someone I love and happy for once. Ever since my first relation ship in grade 6 I knew this day was going to be a problem. Even though it was puppy love my girlfriend at the time left me the day before Valentine's only to have me watch her spend it with another guy on the playground how awful! It happened again in university though it wasn't the day before it was pretty close. It's been two weeks since we broke up now but once again no Valentine. I've never had someone to spend this day with. So once again my Valentine is me May you spend a happy day with the person you love and appreciate it because some people are not as fortunate.

KEEP ON'

3rd Time's A Charm (Rookie Camp Day 3)

Nightmares all night multiple dreams of things just being taken from me set the day up how it was going to go. Paranoid all day I just had that feeling this wasn't my day. Sure enough it wasn't shortly after practice I was released. I wasn't really surprised I did not get any repetitions at safety, the position I was trying out for. It became clear that I was just a body for camp, it was written before I even laced up my cleats. Oh well you live and you learn it sure wasn't for my lack of effort.  I failed but my head is high I have a lot of things to think about. The 3rd time wasn't a charm more like a repeat but much faster. It leaves a real bitter taste in mouth so I'm going to wash it out with a drink and go outside.

3rd Time's A Charm (Rookie Camp Day 2)

Overall it was a pretty good day i'm a little upset the way 1 on 1's went today I performed below what I know i'm capable of so that's what has me upset. Press coverage is much harder than playing off,  though we worked the technique of  press with 1 hand I used 2. A little more mental focus and better technique should be a better day tomorrow. Other than that is was a solid day took reps at Safety and Corner no assignment errors just minor adjustment. Veterans players start to roll into the facilities, it was nice to see some familiar faces welcoming me back. I'm sore today my threshold for pain has decreased significantly and things that used to never really hurt do now. It will probably take me some time to get used to banging my body around. That's the feeling to live for you know that you put out you maximum effort the day, hard work always pays off. Were back at it tomorrow for the final day of rookie camp before the vets come. 1 more day to knock to rust off and go full steam ahead.

3rd Time's A Charm (Rookie Camp Day 1)

Once dead to the world I never felt so alive as i do now! Could barely sleep last night waiting for this day to come. Filled with mixed emotions headed to Commonwealth it was a glorious day. It felt so good just to be putting my cleats on knowing I'm going to practice rather than out the field alone. Rookie camp is nothing new to me its my 3rd time I know exactly what to expect. I'm working on getting better everyday and helping the younger guys understand the defence. The game feels a lot slower than what I remember, maybe its because I am in better shape or that I'm not thinking and just playing football. I think its a little of both! We are back at it tomorrow 9:00 AM so I will have to keep it short I am refreshing myself with the playbook. Have a great night!

The Road Back (final chapter)

 
Dear God,  

18 years invested in this dream, experienced the high of high's and the low low's. Each experience has made me the person I am today. Just to get to this back to this point has taken several sacrifices, some of them cutting so deep left me with a lot of lonely nights crying tears of pain. With every tear you told me everything will be ok in the future, that I would just have to get through this 1 day at a time. I want to thank you for blessing me with wonderful parents who have support me from the start and have allowed me to chase this to the fullest. I want to thank you for blessing me with a wonderful sister has also kept me on track when I did not want to listen to my parents. I want to thank you for blessing me with  all my close friends ( they know who they are) for listening when I was down, and still being there though I live on the other side of the country now. I want to thank all my fans new and old for supporting even when I was out of football that positive energy truly made a difference in working to get back. Thank you for connecting me with anyone with positive energy striving to be something. As the time draws near tears still roll down my face but they are tears of joy for the faith I showed has been rewarded with this opportunity. I ask that you watch over me protect me from any kind of evil and negativity that I may face. I ask that you may bless others in the same way you have blessed me.  I ask i f this is my path you will keep me humble and grounded and never become that asshole successful person everyone loves to hate. To always be true and never sell out. Only through failure is when you truly learn so if I do fail please allow me to take the positives and learn from them. But, I really can't think like that because I truly believe THIS IS THE YEAR!

The Road Back

The rain has stopped and although it is still cloudy, it has allowed me to put a lot of things into perspective. Fear of failing has been my biggest motivator so much that I've managed never to experience it until last year. Even if I had failed in the past I never acknowledged it.  Living in denial, I was just acting as if it never happened. Football was the only thing that I never failed at and when I finally did it seemed unbearable to handle. With so much suppressed emotions I lost sight of all the things that made me, me. I went from living life to just surviving or better yet going through the motions. After months of  soul searching and solitude I have finally faced all my inner demons and things that made me so negative. Last year for my birthday my girlfriend had gotten me a bungee jump pass. I never used it only for the simple fact that I was scared. Last weekend nervous and all, I finally jumped,  it's an unexplainable GREAT feeling, but a feeling that has allowed me to let go of so many things I was holding on my chest, weighing me down. Instantly, as I got off, I felt different this was the first step to my recovery.

The second step was to confront myself about all the things that were making me unhappy. Third step let go! I have opened up to my family and told them things I've been holding on my chest for years. I never told them in fear of disappointing them. It's through failure and disappointment that you really learn life's lessons. Through this process it has felt like a 2000 pound anvil has been lifted of my chest. I feel good! I starting to feel like myself again. I'm not fully there yet but I'm getting close. A return back home to Montreal should truly bring me back to life.

The more I write I realize that this blog is not only about football there is more to life than football. That I finally see now, I no longer doubt if I'm ready, I've been ready to whole time. It has been the mental barriers stopping me. I see now that the only thing stopping me was me!!

The Road Back

The road back seems darker than ever with so many uncertainties about life makes it tough to focus. The lost of my significant other has hit close the chest, fate brought us together and will be the same thing breaks us apart. We have reached the fork in the road, and in order for the both of us to continue  to grow we must go at it alone. Her road leads down a different path than mine, I wish her all the best in her journey. It's a tough pill to swallow but swallow it I must. Physically, emotionally and mentally drained the show must go on. As the last week of work wraps up I will have a week to solely focus on training and recharge the battery. May god give me the strength to focus on what it important and ignore what is not. I will not question why things had to happen but trust him that it was for a reason that I cannot understand or see now. I trust him he will lead me the right way.

"For we walk by faith not by sight."